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• Living the life aquatic

When I was growing up we had a swimming pool in the back yard. Yeah, I know, it sounds pretty classy. It may have actually been classy if any of the drunken rednecks that used the pool on a regular basis wore anything besides cutoff jeans to swim. So, it might not have been classy, but either way, it was really awesome. It was cool just swimming around. It was just fine lying on a raft. Hell’s bells, it was even sort of great to just stand in the water on a hot day. I didn’t even have to share this pool with the general public, which may be the reason I spent so little time in the hospital as a child.

As with any pool, you need accessories. Some are necessities, like a filter and a net with a long handle. Other things are optional, yet super handy, like 30 huggies to keep the beer cold, three or four volleyballs in case you feel the urge to pop somebody in the face, and a pair of flippers you’ll never notice anyone using.

We also had what every pool has, a humorous sign that encourages pool visitors not to turn our swimming hole into a public sewer. You’ve seen those sorts of signs before. “We don’t swim in your toilet, so please don’t pee in our pool.” Wow, effective and hilarious. The signs usually never mention poop, so I’m only left to assume that you’re all systems go when it comes to that kind of thing. Our particular sign said, “Welcome to our OOL. Notice there’s no P in it. Please keep it that way.” Geez Louise, do people really have to be that diligent to keep others from peeing in a pool?

These signs, while absolute comedy gold, probably weren’t even all that useful. I’m guessing the sort of person who violates the simple rule of not urinating in shared water likely isn’t the kind of person who would be a big reader of warning signs. I remember back then, my mom tried to police for this as best she could. Anyone who stood still for over ten consecutive seconds immediately became a suspect. In all fairness, most of my buddies were suspects the moment they set foot on the deck. This is because many of them bragged about peeing in the public pool on a regular basis. Even our guest list was classy.

It apparently wasn’t just my friends. A recently released government report showed that one in eight public swimming pools were shut down two years ago because of dirty water or equipment that didn’t function properly. It was based on checking 120,000 pools in parks and hotels. Kiddie pools were found to be the most, um, let’s just say disturbing, with problems ranging from improper chlorination to excessive fecal matter. I’m not sure they need to have the word “excessive” anywhere in the sentence. I’m from the school of thought that believes even a drop of fecal matter that is in the water I’m standing in is excessive. Call me an idealist, but there really shouldn’t be an “acceptable amount of fecal matter.”

Man, I’m really glad we had our own pool growing up. It sounds ridiculous, but I can at least take comfort in knowing I was wallowing around in familiar urine, and that I can’t remember any of my friends crapping in the pool. Small pleasures. Even then, I’d go to the public pool every so often, and even before I knew about all the fecal matter, it kind of creeped me out. Sure, there were hot, older girls in skimpy swimsuits that I could stare at, but such a thing hardly makes up for splashing around in fecal/urine bisque. We would have been better off swimming in a lake. At least you know it’s probably full of bad things. It’s not pretentious like a pool, giving you the idea that it’s this pristine oasis.

Obviously, since the report mentions many of the problems are in the kiddie pool, I think we should maybe begin there if we are to eradicate this scourge. If you’re putting your kid in a pool, watch them very closely. I’m sure concern for your child is probably a nice theory that doesn’t really work for many, but let’s pretend people are responsible, just for now. Even if your kids are too young to understand, tell them not to pee in the freaking pool. Most kids get that look right before they go anyway, so if you see them making a pee face, get them out of the damn pool. You can house train a freaking dog in about three days. A child should be no different.

Swimming is really fun and I encourage everyone to do it. I would also like to encourage everyone not to abuse everyone else’s water. Besides being just plain nasty, it can even make others ill. We can’t smoke in bars anymore, because it’s dangerous. We have to use seat belts, because cars are dangerous. We pass laws for all kinds of things that are supposed to keep us safer, and yet no one is clamping down on the apparent spree of people peeing in pools. I’m not sure what a fitting punishment for such a crime would be. Maybe the punishment is nothing more harsh than making the offending person continue to swim in the pool — cruel, unusual and really fun, all at the same time.